I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
