Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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