I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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