Whatcha textin bout Willis?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
