You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
