That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
