is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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