Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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