I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Randomize
