so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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