shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
