Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is Oprah even human
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
not ubering you a puppy
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
