he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
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