Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
