I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
