I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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