people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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