Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
