Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
