Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
