Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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