Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
