I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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