Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
