I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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