Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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