My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
