You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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