i already hear my dad disowning me
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
