I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Four minutes until I can fart!
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
