The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
