I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
