I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
