i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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