Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
