the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
