So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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