You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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