That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
