I think I died a long time ago.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I did not marry a roomba.
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