I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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