Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
