When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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