someone threw a dead crab at me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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