Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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