so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
