i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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