Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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