I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
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so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
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I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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