he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
