I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
