just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
