And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
