i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
