found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
