and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
