Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
