weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
