I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
