Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
