I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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