I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
