Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
